Welcome to the
Listening Project
Hi, my name is Joshua Lazerson, and I’m glad you’re interested in learning about, or learning more about, the Listening Project.
Introduction
The idea for the Listening Project first came to me around three years ago. The idea was very simple: set up a couple of chairs in public places and offer people the opportunity to speak uninterrupted about anything they wished for five or ten minutes, with the promise that if they did so I would really listen.
You will find more information on this page about why I have chosen to do this, what is involved in doing it, why I think it is valuable, what I have experienced in doing it, and most importantly (to my mind), why I hope you will consider becoming a listener also.
First, a Thank You
If you are here because you saw me doing this out in the world, stopped to read about the Listening Project, and took a card with the information to access this website, I am grateful for your interest in listening, and I appreciate your being here. If you are one of the people who has stopped to read my sign and then joined me to share something about your life or to discuss the project with me, I am particularly thankful for the chance to get to know you a little bit, and for your willingness to engage with me and help build this new experience. Thank you.
I also want to thank anyone who is reading this and has engaged in their own listening project or work. Some of the people who have stopped to speak with me have mentioned that they have seen or heard of similar efforts. If you have reached out to others with a will to listen and a plan for doing so, I appreciate you and what you have done.
I am not absolutely clear about how or why this idea came to me (I have a really bad memory, (except for faces). I can tell you that from a young age (by the time I was a middle teenager anyway) I felt that people did a relatively poor job of listening to one another. By young adulthood, I had made the conscious decision that I would prioritize listening in my life. That is not to say that I decided not to speak (you can verify that with people who know me). It just means that I decided that when I was with other people I would not treat what I wanted to say as a priority; that I could listen to others and not lose anything by doing so. I believed that in listening, I would learn, and when I spoke, hopefully what I said would be more meaningful for what I had heard from others.
It seems almost natural that we interrupt one another before whoever is speaking can finish a complete sentence, not to speak of completing a full thought. When someone tells us something that mirrors or contradicts our own experience, we tend to prepare a response in our minds while they are still speaking, rather than seeking to truly hear and understand the full import of their words and thoughts. We often begin our response even when we know that they are not finished.
I believe that, as human beings, we have a deep need to be understood, to have others see and understand us as we see and understand ourselves. In my mind, this is what it means to ‘connect.’ From my own experience, I believe that it is possible for us to really listen to one another, and gain an understanding of the person who is sharing with us, whether that person’s history, experiences, and beliefs do or do not reflect or resonate with our own. I believe that in doing this – in really listening, and in responding with thoughtfulness, and sincerity, and ideally with compassion – we are capable of learning about others, the world, and ourselves; we are capable of expanding our own capacity for empathy; and we are capable of growing as human beings.
Simply put, I believe that through listening and connecting we can: shed fears or anxieties we hold about reaching out to ‘strangers’; cast off the stereotypes we live with; build bridges across the boundaries that we have created and which divide us; reduce the loneliness that many of us feel; and gain insight into what it might take to create broader ‘communities’ in our lives.
That may seem like a lot to ask of listening, but my intuition tells me that we have just begun to explore its power. That is why, in my mind (and on the poster that I put out explaining what I’m doing) I call it an ‘experiment’. When I began, I did not know if the project would be meaningful to people, or if they would stop and read about it, not to speak of joining me to talk. I talk below about my experience so far.
The Listening Project has been a profound experience for me, and I don’t use the word ‘profound’ lightly. When I first sat out in a public place, I had absolutely no idea if anyone would stop, would read about the project, would ask questions and/or join me. What I believe I understand about the project, after doing it for a relatively short while, is that when people stop and read about it and take it in for a moment, even if they don’t sit with me, the idea of it appears to be powerful and meaningful to many of them. I think this is so because, as others have reflected back to me, what is being offered is a relatively rare opportunity: to be able to speak, face-to-face, with another human being who does not know you, who will listen to you, who will do so without judgment, and who will offer their thoughts (and encouragement) only after being asked to do so.
What I mean by those words ‘powerful’ and ‘meaningful’ is that most of the people who take the time to read about what I am doing react with understanding, appreciation, excitement, supportiveness, and/or a sense of wonder, sometimes mixed with mild bewilderment that this is an actual thing. The most common question I’m asked — not surprisingly — is some variation of ‘Why are you doing this?’ Some people who join me want to talk about the project itself, about why I am doing it, how I thought of doing it, what it means to me, what people want to talk about with me, what I hope to do with it, and other questions along those lines.
Many people want to share something about their lives. People speak with me about difficult decisions they are facing, such as being at a crossroads in their lives. Some want to talk about difficulties and challenges that they have experienced, how they have emerged from those experiences, and how those things have changed or shaped them. Some speak of difficulties or challenges that they are currently facing, including their anxieties about the world as it is today, and their concerns about the future. One person sat down and told me that he went out for a walk because he was depressed. He faced a number of ongoing difficulties in his life. We spoke about his life and the project for half an hour. When he left, he hugged me and told me that I was a ‘miracle.’ People who have joined me have been extremely generous in expressing their appreciation for this idea and this opportunity.
I know that I am not a miracle. I know that in fact I’m a simple person. What I understand, from all the lovely words that people have spoken about the project and directed toward me, is that we as people have a hunger to connect, to be able to speak our hurts and our hopes with someone who will listen to us, who will not judge us, and who projects a sense of real care, even when that care is expressed without words.
I have learned from these experiences. I have gained patience in just sitting and watching the world go by. I have learned to have no expectations regarding how a session will go and how many people will stop and read my poster, or join me. I have learned that my preconceptions about who will stop, and read, and join me were wrong, and so I have learned to more closely question, and to release, my own assumptions. I have felt, and feel as I write this, a deep gratitude for the time and attention and thoughtfulness that people have shown in exploring this opportunity with me. This experience has helped me to hone my own sense of what I believe is important in my life, and how I can best use my time and energy.
As I’ve described above, this has been a deeply meaningful, moving, and energizing experience for me so far, and I hope to be able to engage in the work of the Listening Project for years to come. However, I think the project can be much more than one little person in one small corner of the world hitting the streets with a couple chairs and a poster a couple times a week. No one owns ‘listening’. There is no patent on this idea. I can imagine that one of the greatest joys I would ever experience would be walking down a street one day and for the first time finding someone with two chairs and a poster offering this experience to me.
Perhaps you would like to be that person. I’m not saying that this is something that anyone and everyone would want to do or should do. But this is a big world, and I have no doubt that there are many people in it who would love this experience, and would love to give others the chance to share and be heard. Perhaps you are one of them. I think it takes a bit of courage to start this. Setting up in a place where a bunch of people are going to walk by, look at you (or ignore you completely), maybe stop and look at your sign for a second, or 13 seconds, or two and a half minutes, and maybe join you, or more likely move on, or ask you a question from a distance and then move on…You get the idea. My approach to this is that I am simply in the world attempting to offer people a modest gift. Whether and how they react to that offering has little or nothing to do with me. I wish them well, whatever that reaction may be.
I have come to a belief, or understanding, that there is value simply in being out in the world, sharing this message about listening. While I hope that people will stop and read my poster and join me if they feel the desire or need, I understand that there is value simply in sharing this message, giving people some food for thought about what it means to listen and communicate and be with other people in this world. I may be an idealist, but I will admit to having a vision of the future in which one might move about the world and regularly find people in all kinds of places sitting with a couple chairs and a poster, offering this connection. This does not feel like an impossibility to me.
While I do not confuse the interaction I am providing with formal therapy, I sense that it can be therapeutic:, it can ease pain, efface the immediacy of loneliness, provide a place for another person to get greater clarity about something that is concerning them, and perhaps – perhaps – inspire someone to seek to address their needs in a more abiding sense. If many of us knew that we could have access to this kind of contact in our neighborhood or community on a regular basis, I wonder if we might find that our communities and societies were healthier for it?
Do you need to be a specific type of person to do this? My sample size, as you know, is very small so far – me. What I think I understand about this, what makes it work well, is a listener who in some general sense likes people – likes meeting new people, wants to be a positive presence in the lives of others, has some innate sense of care for other people, while being absolutely respectful of other people and their boundaries. Obviously, you need to be someone who can listen, who can focus on the verbal and non-verbal communication coming from another person and really take it in. And – to make a judgment – I think you need to be able to do this without judgment.
People will tell you about their lives, things they’ve done, experiences they’ve had. Most of the time they are not seeking your judgment. They are seeking to process their own experiences or thoughts or beliefs; in a sense they are asking you to witness their life, their experience, their reality. Doing so in stillness, without judgment, and with compassion and empathy, is the gift that you are offering. This is about building a relationship of trust with someone you do not know over a matter of minutes. If you are present in this manner, in my experience, it works. I still experience that as a kind of magic.
If you have gotten this far, and think you might be interested in doing this, please carry on below, where I will discuss how I did, and do, the Listening Project.
The Listening Project
A Modest ‘How-to’ Guide to Get Started
I think that this is the most essential element of the project. I’ve included an image of mine on this website. As you can see, the poster does a number of things in fairly short order: it gives people a sense of who I am; it provides a sense of why I’m doing this; it presents the offer I am making to people; and it suggests that there are a few boundaries I’m asking people to observe. I also tell people that if they would like to join me but don’t know what they would talk about, I am happy to ask them a question. And I added a note that makes clear that all people are welcomed and appreciated.
I think that your poster probably should offer similar information. Most important, it should impart a sense of who you are. A friend who had been to my house and who had seen the poster told me a week later that he thought it was very effective because the sense of it was open, that its messages taken as a whole provided a feeling of openness, earnestness, and sincerity, or words to that effect. Ideally people who take the time to read it feel that what you are offering is genuine and heartfelt: it is the place or moment in which you do, or do not, establish the beginnings of a sense of trust with someone.
In terms of nuts and bolts, I went to a FedEx store that has an architectural photocopier and had my 8 ½ by 11-inch copy of the poster blown up to 3 feet by 4 feet. That was about $25. After trimming it, I realized that I needed a fairly lightweight but strong board to put it on. I went to a hardware store and bought a pre-made thin piece of plywood 4 feet by 4 feet, and they cut it down to 2 ½ feet by 3 ½ feet for me for free. I then taped the poster to the board around the edges using that heavy, clear packing tape. It’s holding up pretty well. You may well make your poster another way. I began by using some fairly heavy wooden folding chairs that we already had. Since then, I have purchased three lightweight summer folding chairs ($9.99 a piece at a sporting goods store) that are much easier to lug around. I also built a handle on the back of the poster board to make it easier to carry. Perhaps you will be so much smarter than me that you’ll rig up a cart or some other wheeled device that can carry all of these worldly goods for you.
Obviously you can’t plant yourself on airport runways, in the middle of roadways, or even on sidewalks where you’re going to obstruct people. So, so far, I am generally planting myself on grassy areas just off sidewalks or paths, often in or on the fringes of parks. These need to be trafficked public areas for a number of reasons. First and most obvious, the point is to be seen by lots of people, so ideally you have access to places where people are regularly flowing by on foot. Second, you want to be in such places because you want people to feel as comfortable interacting with you as possible. I think that when people know there will be other people around them in this context, they are more likely to be comfortable engaging with you, someone they do not know. Ideally it is a spot that is not so loud that it is difficult to hear and be heard. I place my chairs fairly close to one another, and this has not been a problem. I’m sure there are many indoor locations where this would be great to do if one was allowed. In these Covid days, that is not something I’ve tried to arrange. But in the future, I can certainly see if it would be possible to gain entrance to, say, a mall, a transit station or airport, or some other privately owned but very publicly trafficked place. I am at a point where, while I’m going back to places I’ve listened before, I’m still looking for new places to bring it. I live in a big county, and I’m sure I will find lots of good listening spots all over the place.
I talked a bit about this earlier. You are who you are, and only you can know if you’re up for this. But my sense is that you need, consciously, to try to put out a sense of yourself as being at peace with whatever and whoever is before you. The way you sit, the way you react as people are reading your poster, the way you interact with people who are not sitting with you – ideally everything about this way of being suggests that you are at peace with everything before you. Whether people see or ignore you, whether they stop and read or glance and flee, whether they’re standing there for five minutes intently looking at your poster and not glancing at you – you want people to give the sense that any and all of that is fine with you. You are not trying to sell them anything. There is nothing you want from them.
I think it is in a sense an air of service you want to present – ‘I am here to interact with you if you would like me to, or not as you please.’ Generally, when people come up and look at the poster, I leave them to that. If they seem interested and dedicated to reviewing the whole thing, my hope is that before they leave (if they’re going to leave) I can at least greet them (‘How are you today?’) and tell them that if they have any questions or thoughts I would be happy to hear them. But I try not to interrupt their reading. I want every interaction I have, to the extent that I can make it so, to be positive. I want them to feel that, whatever they choose to do or not do, I appreciate them, and wish them well. This is easy to express if you feel it and mean it. And I think it works. I have had ‘business cards’ made that have the name of the project and the project website on it that I place with the poster so those who would like more information about the project can get more information on their own time.
First let me say that part of the essential nature of this is one of anonymity. My name is on the poster, but I never ask those who join me their name, or where they’re from, or any other personal information. I will never record anyone, or ask to take their picture. People often do share their names, or where they’re from, and other information besides. But to me it seems essential that people feel that they can have this opportunity without giving up or giving away anything that they are not comfortable with. It is key that people understand that we, as listeners, are offering this as a gift – it is not an exchange, there is no this-for-that, we seek nothing – nothing– in return.
While I do share aspects of my experience with other people, including sharing a sense of some aspects of the lives of some of the people I have met, I never do this in a manner that provides even a whiff of any identifying information of any kind.
When someone sits with me, my immediate impulse is to thank them for doing so, to tell them that I appreciate their sharing in this project and experiment with me. I say that because that is how I feel. I then will generally pause and see if they are ready simply to start speaking, or if they want to ask me to ask them a question. If they seem uncertain as to how they wish to proceed, I may ask them if there is anything on their mind that they would like to speak about, or if they would like me to ask them a question.
If someone wants to me to ask them a question, these are the types of questions that I often pose: ‘Please tell me about those aspects of your life that are particularly meaningful to you’; ‘Can you share with me any lessons you have learned about life, or people, so far?’; ‘Please tell me about some things in your life that you are proud of’; ‘Do you have any particular hopes or goals or dreams that are guiding your life now?’; ‘I’d be curious to know any thoughts you might have about listening, what it means to you, whether you think it is important?’ I have found that sometimes after you have asked someone a question, they will then move into something that they would like to talk about specific to themselves, their past, or their present situation.
When I am listening to someone, I try to be fully present for them. I am not distracted by the other people reading the poster, by the baby crying or the barking dog, by the ambulance roaring down the street in front of us. I do not interrupt a speaker unless I feel that I really need a clarification in that moment. I look them in the eyes most of the time. I find myself frequently nodding my head or perhaps making an affirmative sound. I am trying to get across that I am hearing them, not making a judgment about what they are telling me. If they need to pause, I want to convey that I will pause with them, that they can take their time to gather and express their thoughts.
Sometimes people will speak and then ask me what I think, what I would do, how I feel about something they have said. I will respond if I feel that I can, always qualifying that of course these are the modest musings of one simple person – myself. I am not a therapist or expert, I have only my experience to draw upon. I believe people understand this and accept it. Whatever I have to offer, my personal inclination is always to try and make the person who has shared with me feel that I have heard them, that I value them and their time, and that I wish the best for them. I know that I cannot solve other people’s problems or resolve their dilemmas. I believe that quality listening and genuine human response is meaningful – perhaps even healing in some sense – nonetheless.
A Note about Partisanship – This is key. To me, this activity must be the exact opposite of a partisan practice. I am doing this in part to learn how to sit with people who believe things I do not believe, who practice things I do not practice, who see and understand at least some things much differently than I do. Even if I have not achieved this yet, I want to get to a point where I can listen to everyone, including those who it may seem I share little with, and really hear what they are saying, and have some feeling or understanding for why they feel the way they feel and say the things they say. In my mind, this is about feeling – emphasis on feeling – the intrinsic humanity of everyone I meet. It is about focusing on that common humanity. Ideally, I want to be able to take the project anywhere, set up, and not have anyone think that they know what I believe or prioritize or ‘represent’ as a result of my poster, my speech, or my actions.
I believe that as listeners we have tremendous responsibilities to those who interact with us. I suppose it would be possible to misuse these interactions. My hope and expectation is that you have come to this site because you are someone who believes in the power of listening, and is interested in helping other people. At least a handful of people, including a close friend of mine, have asked if I was going to try to monetize this, or, per my friend, whether I was afraid that others might try to do so. I can only say that it should be obvious to anyone reading this or anyone who has seen or experienced the project that the idea of making money from this is absolutely against the purpose of the project. That would be a very cynical act as far as I am concerned, and I hope that it never happens. As I said much earlier, I will have no say, if you do this, in how you choose to do it. I can only say that I hope that if you do it, you do it in a manner that builds on the good in yourself and others, and moves others to want to emulate your positive example.
If you would like to be in touch with me, ask questions, make suggestions, have thoughts to share, or wish to share your experiences, I would be pleased to hear from you. I will do my best to get back with you as soon as I can, while acknowledging that, perhaps like you, I still have a full working life going on. I appreciate your patience, just as I appreciate your reaching out.
If you decide to move forward as a listener yourself, I would be very interested to know that and to hear about your experiences.
Thanks, Joshua”